So I am awake now and all of my roommates have been asleep
for who knows how long. It isn't that I'm not tired; I just don't really want
to sleep. I just want to stay up and think about things on my own, think
about life and the choices that I make, or don’t make. Sleep seems like
something for a later time. Too many things on my mind for sleep. Gun control,
my (non-existent) love life, how hard it is too trust God and feel like I am
doing God’s work, my relationships with my friends, and at last, school. This list
may seem random and unconnected, but in my head it all makes sense.
First gun control. I had a very long and very draining
conversation/argument about guns today. It was one sided with everyone siding
on one side against a lone person on the other side. Some people were
disrespectful and when you are the only one taking a stand on your side of an
argument it can be hard to ever be heard. (I wasn’t the one alone; I just
recognized the difficulties of his position.) So Gun Control? I don’t think it
will work, but maybe I am slightly pessimistic. But there are 300,000,000
million guns in the United States. I don’t think it is possible to get all out
of the people hands. People just are not going to give them up. But I do
recognize that there are some issues here! There are roughly 11,000 homicides
that are related to guns each year in America. That number is so freaking crazy
high it’s ridiculous. I really do think that somehow we need to change the
people minds about using guns rather than banning guns, because I don’t see a
ban being effective.
My (non-existent) love life. So there is this girl, and like
all girls she is complicated. I kinda have a thing for her but can’t tell about
her feeling back towards me. Whatever that isn't really important in the grand scheme
of things. And it really relates to my next point.
How hard it is to trust God with your life and feel like you
are doing His work. These two things are so related. The less I trust God the
less I do His work and so the less I trust Him. It’s like a negative cycle of
death that I have gotten myself into. I find myself not trusting in His presence
and power so I don’t go out on a limb, or do what I probably should in random
situation. The hopeful part of this is that I recognize my lack of trust and
want so desperately for that to change. I want to trust in God in very single
part of my life. Whether it is the girl, or my classes, or in helping me not to
fall back into old habits and sins. I have to trust in God’s plan. When I stop
doing that, I find myself worrying about everything. So what I really need to
do is to start doing! I have to make a more conscious effort to do God’s work
every day. Camp was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I refound my
first love that is Jesus Christ. I know that He has a plan and purpose for my life.
I just have to go on not knowing. With camp over and me back at school I find
it really hard to live for God. At camp, everything I did revolved around
Christ; and at school, it seems like nothing is. It is hard. I am trying to
find a way to show people Jesus’s love and continue to live for Him but in the business
of it all I forget sometimes. I need to remember. If you are reading this, can
you say a quick prayer for me? That I remember in everything what I am called
to do.
My relationships with my friends and school both just stem
from me not trusting in God, so I am not going to go into any of that.
This week, I am going to be more conscious of trusting God,
and getting out of my comfort zone while doing it.
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