Today is Thursday.

Today is Thursday. I have been in New Mexico for a total of 5 days now. In those 5 days, I have lost my grandfather. I have not been able to be with my family in this time of pain and suffering, and that has been hard for me. My grandfather was an important man in my life, in the lives of my siblings, and in the lives of the rest of my family. He was always there, in all of my memories, he has been a part of it. The one place that I feel more at home is in the river that his house was on. I learned to swim in that river, learned to fish, to use a boat. I spent hours, days, on that river growing up. The last few years I have not been able to spend much time on that river, but even so, it still feels like home. When I am away from home, all I have to do is see a river to feel at peace, to feel as if I am home again. That river, and everything it represents to me, are all tied up with who my grandfather was. I remember all the time that I was able to spend on that water with him. I know that I will always be able to see him out there on that water, pushing that push boat better than I ever could. He died on Sunday, on my first day in New Mexico.

You see, I am in New Mexico student teaching at a school called Rehoboth Christian School. I got here on Saturday, and woke up Sunday morning to heat the news. To find out that my grandfather had gone home. It was not an easy moment for me, to know that he was gone. To know that I would not be able to go home, I would not be able to see him one last time. I would have to be here, even when my heart desired to be there. It was a hard moment. That day I did not feel like going to church, I did not feel like doing much of anything.

I went to church. I went out of a sense of duty rather than a desire to go there. While I was there though, I experienced and was reminded of something that in that moment I had forgotten. My family was here, in this strange place. This place with red dirt, red rocks, no grass, and mountains. This place that I have never been before. My family was here, here in this strange place. As I sat in that church service I was astonished to be greeted and welcomed. I was accepted without anyone knowing a thing about me, though many desired to know why I was there that week. During the service I heard much about life and death, maybe it was because that was what I needed to heat that morning. I felt the weight of my grandfather’s life, his death, on my shoulders. We sang a song, one that I have sung a thousand times before. We sang In Christ Alone. And during that song, I felt Christ’s love, and I felt my family. I knew in that moment that family is more than blood, more than distance, more that death. Christ died and then defeated death, Christ is a strong man.

I felt at home, I felt family here. Even though I am 1441 miles away from where I want to be, I still feel at home, and I still was surrounded by family. Christ’s love, and the family that we have all become a part of, exists in all places at all times. Though my first week here has been hard (I got the flu too) I still feel at home, and at peace. I am still excited to be here, where God has placed me. Excited to see what God has in store for me. 

I am weak, very very weak.

Asking for help is not natural. Or at least it doesn't feel natural to me. I have gone through most of my life trying to do things alone. I don’t mean like I won’t ask for help on everyday things, I’m practical. It’s just the hard stuff that I hate asking for help with. I like to think that my intellect, or personal fortitude, or whatever, will get me through any trouble that I am in. Somehow I can think and reason and get through or overcome any obstacle. The problem is even intellectually I know that I can’t always do things alone, but I feel like I have to. I must maintain the bravado of being a strong, carefree, “has it all together” kind of person. That’s what I tell myself, that is what the world tells me I must do, I have to.

Tonight I am saying no. I will not try to face all of my problems alone. I will fight against the way of thinking that the world has indoctrinated me into. Tonight, I asked for help. I asked for prayer from people who have been great encouragement to me. I asked for prayer! I embraced the Church and said “I am not strong enough, I need your help! Pray for me!” and my brothers in Christ responded with a resounding “God is stronger than sin, I will pray for you. Will you pray for me?”  They did not tell me how weak I was. They did not laugh at me. They did not condemn me. Instead, they told me that they too struggle with things. They told me that they too need prayer. They told me that they have, just did, and would again pray for me.  Tonight, we said no. we embraced each other as brothers.

I am broken.  I am weak. I cannot do things alone. I cannot beat back every single struggle that the world has thrown at me alone. So I won’t pretend that I can, I won’t pretend that I should have to. Tonight I asked for help. Tomorrow I will need help again. I know that God is stronger that any sin that I have been tempted with, he is stronger that this world. He will and does provide freedom from sin.  I know that tonight I cannot be strong. I know that tonight I have to be weak, for in my weakness I allow God to be strong. I ask for his strength, and He is much stronger than I.

Friends, if any of you see this, I ask that you ask for help when you need it. Ask God. And ask your brothers and sisters in Christ for help as well, they will give it to you. And now I ask, will you pray for me? That I remember who I am in Christ?  That I can remember that I have been set free from sin and death and have been given new life? I pray this for you.

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-30

I'm Tired, I'm Weary.

I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone ever checks it. But if you are reading it, I need help, I need prayer. When camp started last summer I heard counselors talk about a camp high. Like being on fire right after camp. I didn't really understand what they meant when they said it. I felt it though! When camp was over and it was time to return to the world, I was on fire. I was so ready to just work for Christ. To do whatever he had called me to do. I knew that I was supposed to come back to school and work on this campus for His Kingdom. So I came back, and I was excited. I wanted to be here. I don't want to be here anymore. I am tired. I am weary. 

I want to be doing things. I want to be teaching people and building relationships with students. I want to be active in my life and finally get on with my career. My faith is struggling. Not me doubting God, I am just struggling to see him right now. I'm struggling to see how going to class and working and doing homework and then repeating everything the next day is doing anything for the Kingdom. I feel like I am not being used. 

This uselessness is pervading my life. It has hurt my prayer life; it has hurt my time alone with God. I have a hard time finding the time to open my Bible or sit down and pray. I don't know what to do. I have to go to class, I have to go to work, I have to do my homework, I have to go to meetings, I have to teacher aid, I have to DO! I have to do so much but am not feeling joy from almost any of it. When did learning and working start becoming life draining? Why has this semester been harder for me than any before it? I am busy, but it’s more than that. It’s like I have forgotten where to go when I am tired. I rely on myself. I wake up tired in the morning and go to bed tired at night. I feel like my homework is slipping and I care less about school. I don't feel like I am being renewed, I don't feel like I am being given new strength. 

Through all of this I know that God is good. I know that he is working even when I don't feel it or see it. I know that He has called me to this campus, to this mission’s field. I know that He has called me to be a teacher. I just don't like the path right not. I know that this is the path that I am suppose to be on though. I know that this is where I am suppose to be. I need to be obedient in this, even when it is hard.  I will leave you all with a couple verses that are encouraging to me even now. If the verses are showing up as black bars on the bottom of the page, I don't know why. If you highlight them you can see them you can see them though! 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:7

A Moment of Thought

I feel like I am not having any meaningful social interactions with people. Everyone is busy with finals but it is more than that. I just feel like the conversations I have and the interactions I have are friendly, but shallow and superficial. I wonder if other people are feeling this way or if it is just me? I have found myself feeling blah and not as upbeat or normal as usual. Hopefully tomorrow goes better and isn’t such a drag. It could just be the weather too! It is grey out, cold but no snow. The worst kind of weather. That is just a preface for tonight and if you read this, could you be praying for me? That I do have meaningful interactions with people!

I have had many thoughts about what to write in this post, and some last for a while, while others are gone in a few minutes. What should I write about next? I usually don’t know what to write until something hits me. So I have been waiting for that stroke of motivation and genius to come, but it hasn’t! I realized that maybe I need to just start writing and what needs to come out will come! That is the plan anyways. I guess I’ll talk about something that happened, and then pose a question and something that I have been struggling with dealing with.

Last Friday I was invited to go to a party. I knew that there was going to be drinking and that the people there were going to be underage. I have been to parties with these people before and I don’t see any of them often anymore. Everyone has gone off to different colleges and all that. I guess we grew up.  I was torn on if I should go to this party or not. I wasn't going to drink at all, so I wasn't worried about that. I just didn’t know if I should go. Without knowing what to do and what the right thing was I probably should have chosen to stay home. That is not what I did. I went to this party. At first I felt awkward and out of place, there were not many people who were not drinking. While I was there, someone came up to me and asked how the pray group that I started on campus was going! I talked with him for a while about how great it was and how much I loved being involved with that. One of the greatest blessings in my life.  About an hour later I ended up talking to another friend of mine about God, Christianity, and what that is supposed to look like. This friend of mine is a proclaimed agnostic, and so just talking with her for a long time was really great. Something that I really enjoyed doing. I don’t think I converted her or anything like that, but maybe I planted a seed for someone else down the road to grow. As I left that party I realized a couple things. First, God doesn’t stay away from trouble when he sees it, and he doesn’t call us to do that either. Second, that whether I was supposed to go to that party in the first place was irrelevant once I was there. God could use me in any situation, and in any circumstance. Praise God for the fact that even when we don’t always do the best thing, he can turn it into something good.

And now for the question/struggle in my life! How are we as Christians supposed to criticize our fellow believers? If I see someone acting in a way that I do not think is right, what am I supposed to do? Do I confront them and risk looking hypocritical and judgmental? Is that what we should do? What does being salt and light in the world look like? Should I say “hey man I don’t think that is a smart idea” and leave it at that? How strong should you be with people? Also, who knows if my views are right? How can I know? These are just some of the questions I ask myself and the things that I deal with when trying to be the man that God has called me to be. I want to do right and what he wants me to do, but I often don’t know what that is. Any ideas are welcome!

God work in and through me. 

Amen. 

Getting Busy and Getting Started

It has been a long time! Sorry for not posting anything in like a month, I have been busy and just didn't know what I wanted to write about it. Do I want this post to be about what is going on in my head? Or what is going on in my life?  Both things have been busy! I think a lot, probably too much honestly. It seems that I can never stop thinking about different situations, or relationships. My mind is bothered all the time. My life has been pretty busy too! I have been getting busier with classes and now with teacher aiding! That is really great; I feel reaffirmed in my major choice at this point and am happy to be getting into the classroom. I love seeing people learn and helping out in the process. I am so happy to have figured out what I want to do with my life.

So many other things are going on as well. School is a small part of my life. Well it is a big part, and it takes a lot of time, but it doesn't always rank high on my priority list. It is important, but so many other things are more important to me. Friends, Christ, having fun, my family, my mental health. Any of those things are more important than school is to me. So school is not always number one, and many of the other things are instead.

Christ. I want and strive for Christ to be number one in my life all the time. It is also the most difficult thing to do. I want to give and trust him in everything, but at the same time, it is really difficult for me to forfeit control of things. I love knowing how things are going to turn out and knowing that I have control of them. Christ tells us that He is in control. So Joseph, you need to take a step back. This is really hard for me to do, but I am really trying to do better at it. This kind of has to do with me thinking too much! I can’t stop beating myself up for not giving everything to Him, but at the same time I don’t know how to give it all to Him. So I need to be constantly trying and thinking about giving him everything.

In giving him everything, I am trying to do more for the kingdom. A couple of my friends have felt called to start a Men’s Ministry on campus here. They asked me to be on the team and help out with setting it up and getting started. I am excited about doing it and really excited to have God working here on campus. Trinity really doesn't have anything for men on this campus, most guys are on their own to find or become a part of a group that can hold them accountable and be praying for them. I am super excited about getting started on that and seeing God. It is also a daunting feeling to start something like this. We run into doubts about if it can work or if it will work. Again trusting in God comes into play here as we need to trust in his calling to get it started and to do something for his kingdom. God is so powerful and can and will bless us if we are trusting fully in him.

So doubting Gods sovereignty and his control over my own life is something that I have struggled with regularly this year. I try to put on a good face most days and not let it show, but it is true. I want to be in charge even when I know that I am not. Getting this Men's Ministry started is going to take a lot of work and planning, it is going to take a lot of prayer and guidance from God. But we are ready to get it started!

I am still meeting with some friends every Sunday to meet and pray together. It has really been something that I have come to look forward to every week. I can share the struggles in my life and know that the guys around me are going to offer Christ centered advice and that they will pray for my everyday life that week. I do the same for them. Holding each other accountable and being able to pray for each other has been something I have never had in my life, but something that I think people very desperately need.  God has already shown himself to be present at these meetings and knowing that others will be crying out to God for you is very reassuring.

God is good, I know that. I just need to learn to give him everything all the time. I am working on it, even when I know that I am failing at it. My life is busy, school takes a lot of time, but I am finding time to start a ministry on campus, to meet and pray with my friends, and to be as social as I could ever want to be. Life is good, even when it is hard.

God bless.

Ps. I don’t edit or revise these, just write what comes to mind at the time haha 

Finding my Place (or Gods place for me)

I have wanted to write for at least a week now! It’s crazy that it has taken me this long to get to a computer to do it. I guess I have finally started to get busy with school. I mean I guess I have also just been busy with everything.  So the reason I wanted to write! As stated in previous posts I have been struggling with what my place on Trinity’s campus is. I sometimes feel like I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing for the Kingdom. Coming off of camp, this feeling has been hard for me.

But the reason I wanted to write, is that I feel now that I can work here on campus. That even though I am not working at camp, I can work here. I had some really awesome talks with some people that are true leaders and walkers of the faith and they helped me to see that at school, while being busy with homework, I can still work for the kingdom. These friends have also helped me to realize the different ways that I can be helpful and working.

The first way, is to just be encouraging and doing my best at school. It is kind of weird to think about schoolwork as Gods work, but I think it is! We are called to do our best, and if I am doing that, then I am doing God’s work. God has me here at this school for a reason and He is preparing me to become something that He will use and work with throughout my life. So doing my best work at school, is working for the kingdom.

I also can be working for the kingdom by talking to people about God and by continuing to pray for people. Pray is so crazy! God is listening to what we are saying and answering us! Think about that for a minute. The God of the universe hears my prayers. Crazy. So by staying in prayer and asking what others need prayer with and help with is a way that I can be working. Just by asking my roommates and friends what they need prayer in, I am working for the kingdom.

The way that I am most excited about starting to do some real work here is in a prayer/confession group that me and a couple of other guys have started. Every Sunday at Trinity there is “Sunday Night Worship” where students gather and sing praises to out God and King as fellow believers in Christ. This is something that I truly enjoy. Afterwards, me and a couple other guys meet up and talk about what we struggled with during the week, and what we could use prayer for in the upcoming week. We also text each other daily with encouraging words and reminders to flee from our sins and temptations. During the summer, when I thought about how I wanted to be at work at this school, this was one of the biggest things that I thought of. Meeting up with some guys, to talk about real stuff, and then pray over and for each other. I truly think that this is going to be a huge blessing to the people involved, and also to the entire campus. The more people that you have praying in one place, the more that is going to be happening. God answers prayers, and He rewards people when they do what He asks them to do.

I am super excited about continuing to work and find my place here; I am super excited about being rooted in this place. To God be the Glory. 

Late Nights and Deep Thinking

So I am awake now and all of my roommates have been asleep for who knows how long. It isn't that I'm not tired; I just don't really want to sleep.  I just want to stay up and think about things on my own, think about life and the choices that I make, or don’t make. Sleep seems like something for a later time. Too many things on my mind for sleep. Gun control, my (non-existent) love life, how hard it is too trust God and feel like I am doing God’s work, my relationships with my friends, and at last, school. This list may seem random and unconnected, but in my head it all makes sense.

First gun control. I had a very long and very draining conversation/argument about guns today. It was one sided with everyone siding on one side against a lone person on the other side. Some people were disrespectful and when you are the only one taking a stand on your side of an argument it can be hard to ever be heard. (I wasn’t the one alone; I just recognized the difficulties of his position.) So Gun Control? I don’t think it will work, but maybe I am slightly pessimistic. But there are 300,000,000 million guns in the United States. I don’t think it is possible to get all out of the people hands. People just are not going to give them up. But I do recognize that there are some issues here! There are roughly 11,000 homicides that are related to guns each year in America. That number is so freaking crazy high it’s ridiculous. I really do think that somehow we need to change the people minds about using guns rather than banning guns, because I don’t see a ban being effective.

My (non-existent) love life. So there is this girl, and like all girls she is complicated. I kinda have a thing for her but can’t tell about her feeling back towards me. Whatever that isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. And it really relates to my next point.

How hard it is to trust God with your life and feel like you are doing His work. These two things are so related. The less I trust God the less I do His work and so the less I trust Him. It’s like a negative cycle of death that I have gotten myself into. I find myself not trusting in His presence and power so I don’t go out on a limb, or do what I probably should in random situation. The hopeful part of this is that I recognize my lack of trust and want so desperately for that to change. I want to trust in God in very single part of my life. Whether it is the girl, or my classes, or in helping me not to fall back into old habits and sins. I have to trust in God’s plan. When I stop doing that, I find myself worrying about everything. So what I really need to do is to start doing! I have to make a more conscious effort to do God’s work every day. Camp was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I refound my first love that is Jesus Christ. I know that He has a plan and purpose for my life. I just have to go on not knowing. With camp over and me back at school I find it really hard to live for God. At camp, everything I did revolved around Christ; and at school, it seems like nothing is. It is hard. I am trying to find a way to show people Jesus’s love and continue to live for Him but in the business of it all I forget sometimes. I need to remember. If you are reading this, can you say a quick prayer for me? That I remember in everything what I am called to do.

My relationships with my friends and school both just stem from me not trusting in God, so I am not going to go into any of that.

This week, I am going to be more conscious of trusting God, and getting out of my comfort zone while doing it.