A Moment of Thought

I feel like I am not having any meaningful social interactions with people. Everyone is busy with finals but it is more than that. I just feel like the conversations I have and the interactions I have are friendly, but shallow and superficial. I wonder if other people are feeling this way or if it is just me? I have found myself feeling blah and not as upbeat or normal as usual. Hopefully tomorrow goes better and isn’t such a drag. It could just be the weather too! It is grey out, cold but no snow. The worst kind of weather. That is just a preface for tonight and if you read this, could you be praying for me? That I do have meaningful interactions with people!

I have had many thoughts about what to write in this post, and some last for a while, while others are gone in a few minutes. What should I write about next? I usually don’t know what to write until something hits me. So I have been waiting for that stroke of motivation and genius to come, but it hasn’t! I realized that maybe I need to just start writing and what needs to come out will come! That is the plan anyways. I guess I’ll talk about something that happened, and then pose a question and something that I have been struggling with dealing with.

Last Friday I was invited to go to a party. I knew that there was going to be drinking and that the people there were going to be underage. I have been to parties with these people before and I don’t see any of them often anymore. Everyone has gone off to different colleges and all that. I guess we grew up.  I was torn on if I should go to this party or not. I wasn't going to drink at all, so I wasn't worried about that. I just didn’t know if I should go. Without knowing what to do and what the right thing was I probably should have chosen to stay home. That is not what I did. I went to this party. At first I felt awkward and out of place, there were not many people who were not drinking. While I was there, someone came up to me and asked how the pray group that I started on campus was going! I talked with him for a while about how great it was and how much I loved being involved with that. One of the greatest blessings in my life.  About an hour later I ended up talking to another friend of mine about God, Christianity, and what that is supposed to look like. This friend of mine is a proclaimed agnostic, and so just talking with her for a long time was really great. Something that I really enjoyed doing. I don’t think I converted her or anything like that, but maybe I planted a seed for someone else down the road to grow. As I left that party I realized a couple things. First, God doesn’t stay away from trouble when he sees it, and he doesn’t call us to do that either. Second, that whether I was supposed to go to that party in the first place was irrelevant once I was there. God could use me in any situation, and in any circumstance. Praise God for the fact that even when we don’t always do the best thing, he can turn it into something good.

And now for the question/struggle in my life! How are we as Christians supposed to criticize our fellow believers? If I see someone acting in a way that I do not think is right, what am I supposed to do? Do I confront them and risk looking hypocritical and judgmental? Is that what we should do? What does being salt and light in the world look like? Should I say “hey man I don’t think that is a smart idea” and leave it at that? How strong should you be with people? Also, who knows if my views are right? How can I know? These are just some of the questions I ask myself and the things that I deal with when trying to be the man that God has called me to be. I want to do right and what he wants me to do, but I often don’t know what that is. Any ideas are welcome!

God work in and through me. 

Amen. 

Getting Busy and Getting Started

It has been a long time! Sorry for not posting anything in like a month, I have been busy and just didn't know what I wanted to write about it. Do I want this post to be about what is going on in my head? Or what is going on in my life?  Both things have been busy! I think a lot, probably too much honestly. It seems that I can never stop thinking about different situations, or relationships. My mind is bothered all the time. My life has been pretty busy too! I have been getting busier with classes and now with teacher aiding! That is really great; I feel reaffirmed in my major choice at this point and am happy to be getting into the classroom. I love seeing people learn and helping out in the process. I am so happy to have figured out what I want to do with my life.

So many other things are going on as well. School is a small part of my life. Well it is a big part, and it takes a lot of time, but it doesn't always rank high on my priority list. It is important, but so many other things are more important to me. Friends, Christ, having fun, my family, my mental health. Any of those things are more important than school is to me. So school is not always number one, and many of the other things are instead.

Christ. I want and strive for Christ to be number one in my life all the time. It is also the most difficult thing to do. I want to give and trust him in everything, but at the same time, it is really difficult for me to forfeit control of things. I love knowing how things are going to turn out and knowing that I have control of them. Christ tells us that He is in control. So Joseph, you need to take a step back. This is really hard for me to do, but I am really trying to do better at it. This kind of has to do with me thinking too much! I can’t stop beating myself up for not giving everything to Him, but at the same time I don’t know how to give it all to Him. So I need to be constantly trying and thinking about giving him everything.

In giving him everything, I am trying to do more for the kingdom. A couple of my friends have felt called to start a Men’s Ministry on campus here. They asked me to be on the team and help out with setting it up and getting started. I am excited about doing it and really excited to have God working here on campus. Trinity really doesn't have anything for men on this campus, most guys are on their own to find or become a part of a group that can hold them accountable and be praying for them. I am super excited about getting started on that and seeing God. It is also a daunting feeling to start something like this. We run into doubts about if it can work or if it will work. Again trusting in God comes into play here as we need to trust in his calling to get it started and to do something for his kingdom. God is so powerful and can and will bless us if we are trusting fully in him.

So doubting Gods sovereignty and his control over my own life is something that I have struggled with regularly this year. I try to put on a good face most days and not let it show, but it is true. I want to be in charge even when I know that I am not. Getting this Men's Ministry started is going to take a lot of work and planning, it is going to take a lot of prayer and guidance from God. But we are ready to get it started!

I am still meeting with some friends every Sunday to meet and pray together. It has really been something that I have come to look forward to every week. I can share the struggles in my life and know that the guys around me are going to offer Christ centered advice and that they will pray for my everyday life that week. I do the same for them. Holding each other accountable and being able to pray for each other has been something I have never had in my life, but something that I think people very desperately need.  God has already shown himself to be present at these meetings and knowing that others will be crying out to God for you is very reassuring.

God is good, I know that. I just need to learn to give him everything all the time. I am working on it, even when I know that I am failing at it. My life is busy, school takes a lot of time, but I am finding time to start a ministry on campus, to meet and pray with my friends, and to be as social as I could ever want to be. Life is good, even when it is hard.

God bless.

Ps. I don’t edit or revise these, just write what comes to mind at the time haha 

Finding my Place (or Gods place for me)

I have wanted to write for at least a week now! It’s crazy that it has taken me this long to get to a computer to do it. I guess I have finally started to get busy with school. I mean I guess I have also just been busy with everything.  So the reason I wanted to write! As stated in previous posts I have been struggling with what my place on Trinity’s campus is. I sometimes feel like I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing for the Kingdom. Coming off of camp, this feeling has been hard for me.

But the reason I wanted to write, is that I feel now that I can work here on campus. That even though I am not working at camp, I can work here. I had some really awesome talks with some people that are true leaders and walkers of the faith and they helped me to see that at school, while being busy with homework, I can still work for the kingdom. These friends have also helped me to realize the different ways that I can be helpful and working.

The first way, is to just be encouraging and doing my best at school. It is kind of weird to think about schoolwork as Gods work, but I think it is! We are called to do our best, and if I am doing that, then I am doing God’s work. God has me here at this school for a reason and He is preparing me to become something that He will use and work with throughout my life. So doing my best work at school, is working for the kingdom.

I also can be working for the kingdom by talking to people about God and by continuing to pray for people. Pray is so crazy! God is listening to what we are saying and answering us! Think about that for a minute. The God of the universe hears my prayers. Crazy. So by staying in prayer and asking what others need prayer with and help with is a way that I can be working. Just by asking my roommates and friends what they need prayer in, I am working for the kingdom.

The way that I am most excited about starting to do some real work here is in a prayer/confession group that me and a couple of other guys have started. Every Sunday at Trinity there is “Sunday Night Worship” where students gather and sing praises to out God and King as fellow believers in Christ. This is something that I truly enjoy. Afterwards, me and a couple other guys meet up and talk about what we struggled with during the week, and what we could use prayer for in the upcoming week. We also text each other daily with encouraging words and reminders to flee from our sins and temptations. During the summer, when I thought about how I wanted to be at work at this school, this was one of the biggest things that I thought of. Meeting up with some guys, to talk about real stuff, and then pray over and for each other. I truly think that this is going to be a huge blessing to the people involved, and also to the entire campus. The more people that you have praying in one place, the more that is going to be happening. God answers prayers, and He rewards people when they do what He asks them to do.

I am super excited about continuing to work and find my place here; I am super excited about being rooted in this place. To God be the Glory. 

Late Nights and Deep Thinking

So I am awake now and all of my roommates have been asleep for who knows how long. It isn't that I'm not tired; I just don't really want to sleep.  I just want to stay up and think about things on my own, think about life and the choices that I make, or don’t make. Sleep seems like something for a later time. Too many things on my mind for sleep. Gun control, my (non-existent) love life, how hard it is too trust God and feel like I am doing God’s work, my relationships with my friends, and at last, school. This list may seem random and unconnected, but in my head it all makes sense.

First gun control. I had a very long and very draining conversation/argument about guns today. It was one sided with everyone siding on one side against a lone person on the other side. Some people were disrespectful and when you are the only one taking a stand on your side of an argument it can be hard to ever be heard. (I wasn’t the one alone; I just recognized the difficulties of his position.) So Gun Control? I don’t think it will work, but maybe I am slightly pessimistic. But there are 300,000,000 million guns in the United States. I don’t think it is possible to get all out of the people hands. People just are not going to give them up. But I do recognize that there are some issues here! There are roughly 11,000 homicides that are related to guns each year in America. That number is so freaking crazy high it’s ridiculous. I really do think that somehow we need to change the people minds about using guns rather than banning guns, because I don’t see a ban being effective.

My (non-existent) love life. So there is this girl, and like all girls she is complicated. I kinda have a thing for her but can’t tell about her feeling back towards me. Whatever that isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. And it really relates to my next point.

How hard it is to trust God with your life and feel like you are doing His work. These two things are so related. The less I trust God the less I do His work and so the less I trust Him. It’s like a negative cycle of death that I have gotten myself into. I find myself not trusting in His presence and power so I don’t go out on a limb, or do what I probably should in random situation. The hopeful part of this is that I recognize my lack of trust and want so desperately for that to change. I want to trust in God in very single part of my life. Whether it is the girl, or my classes, or in helping me not to fall back into old habits and sins. I have to trust in God’s plan. When I stop doing that, I find myself worrying about everything. So what I really need to do is to start doing! I have to make a more conscious effort to do God’s work every day. Camp was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I refound my first love that is Jesus Christ. I know that He has a plan and purpose for my life. I just have to go on not knowing. With camp over and me back at school I find it really hard to live for God. At camp, everything I did revolved around Christ; and at school, it seems like nothing is. It is hard. I am trying to find a way to show people Jesus’s love and continue to live for Him but in the business of it all I forget sometimes. I need to remember. If you are reading this, can you say a quick prayer for me? That I remember in everything what I am called to do.

My relationships with my friends and school both just stem from me not trusting in God, so I am not going to go into any of that.

This week, I am going to be more conscious of trusting God, and getting out of my comfort zone while doing it. 

The Moment

“I would be willing to bet 100 dollars that at least one person here thinks that this is not where they belong. I’m telling you that this is where you belong, and that God wants you here.” This is the first night of staff training and I do not want to be here. Somehow the director can read my mind and knows that I want to leave, that I really want to leave. I just drove 340 miles to work at a camp where I don’t really know anyone, at a camp where I don’t want to be. I don’t feel like I should be here at all, I am not good enough for this. These people are all on fire for Christ, they all have it figured out. I’m leaving. After everyone goes to bed tonight, I’m gone.

Everyone is in bed, and I can leave right now. So what is stopping me? A couple things, my father told me to never quit. I have never quit at anything in my life. Can I let my father down? No. The other thing is the fact that someone on the staff vouched for me. Someone I barely knew told them to hire me and that I would be good at this. I can’t let that person down, I am too proud for that. I can fake this all summer, even if I don’t want to be here, I just have to deal with it now.

It’s the last night of staff training and everyone has shared their testimony except me and a couple other people. I know that I am going to have to tell it tonight. What do I say? That I have started drinking with my friends? That I swear on a regular basis? That I haven’t prayed or read my bible in who knows how long? I can’t say that to them, ill fake it. I’ll just show them a little bit about myself and share only some of that. I’ll let them know I don’t think I should be here.

Wow, that was pretty easy, shared more than I thought I would but that’s ok. It was pretty crazy when they all prayed over me.

Holy cow camp is crazy; I have no idea what I am doing. Thank God they put me with another counselor who has done this before. It is still pretty crazy though; these kids barely listen to anyone, especially not me. But some of these kids are awesome; they love to just hang on me and play. I’m having a lot of fun playing with them. And just hanging out with some of the other counselors is a lot of fun too. I can do this part of camp all summer no problem.

“God I can’t keep telling these kids about your son. God I don’t feel you or anything! I have so many doubts and just don’t know! You have got to show me, show up!” I prayed that prayer on the Wednesday night of the first week of camp. When I prayed I really wasn't expecting anything, I was just frustrated. Little did I know it would be the first of many times God answered my prayers this summer. I go back inside and no more than 5 minutes later (it seems like no time in my mind) a little kid walks right up to me and asks me a question that changed my summer. “I wanna ask Jesus into my life, can you help me?” What? Wait a minute? This kid loves Jesus, and wants my help? I just basically told God to show up in my life and then this happens? “Sure thing kid, lets pray about it.” That kids name is Miguel and I don’t think I will ever forget that moment. I have never had someone want to accept Christ with me before.

That moment changed my entire summer, everything I did from that moment on I was conscience that God was present and with me through it all. When I say that this moment changed my summer, I really mean my life. God showed up right when I needed him the most. It was crazy and so incredible. I had to just start living for Him instead of for myself.

Now living for Christ isn’t easy, and I have many more questions for God’s plan with my life. I knew that I needed to clean up my act and that was what I started working on first. Getting into the scriptures and praying become something that I try to do every day. I am still working on this and on cleaning up my life, it is still a struggle. But I know that my God has huge plans and is with me through everything! This summer changed my life, and I am scared of where God is going to take it. But I am ready and willing to do what he calls me to do!