I am weak, very very weak.

Asking for help is not natural. Or at least it doesn't feel natural to me. I have gone through most of my life trying to do things alone. I don’t mean like I won’t ask for help on everyday things, I’m practical. It’s just the hard stuff that I hate asking for help with. I like to think that my intellect, or personal fortitude, or whatever, will get me through any trouble that I am in. Somehow I can think and reason and get through or overcome any obstacle. The problem is even intellectually I know that I can’t always do things alone, but I feel like I have to. I must maintain the bravado of being a strong, carefree, “has it all together” kind of person. That’s what I tell myself, that is what the world tells me I must do, I have to.

Tonight I am saying no. I will not try to face all of my problems alone. I will fight against the way of thinking that the world has indoctrinated me into. Tonight, I asked for help. I asked for prayer from people who have been great encouragement to me. I asked for prayer! I embraced the Church and said “I am not strong enough, I need your help! Pray for me!” and my brothers in Christ responded with a resounding “God is stronger than sin, I will pray for you. Will you pray for me?”  They did not tell me how weak I was. They did not laugh at me. They did not condemn me. Instead, they told me that they too struggle with things. They told me that they too need prayer. They told me that they have, just did, and would again pray for me.  Tonight, we said no. we embraced each other as brothers.

I am broken.  I am weak. I cannot do things alone. I cannot beat back every single struggle that the world has thrown at me alone. So I won’t pretend that I can, I won’t pretend that I should have to. Tonight I asked for help. Tomorrow I will need help again. I know that God is stronger that any sin that I have been tempted with, he is stronger that this world. He will and does provide freedom from sin.  I know that tonight I cannot be strong. I know that tonight I have to be weak, for in my weakness I allow God to be strong. I ask for his strength, and He is much stronger than I.

Friends, if any of you see this, I ask that you ask for help when you need it. Ask God. And ask your brothers and sisters in Christ for help as well, they will give it to you. And now I ask, will you pray for me? That I remember who I am in Christ?  That I can remember that I have been set free from sin and death and have been given new life? I pray this for you.

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-30

I'm Tired, I'm Weary.

I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone ever checks it. But if you are reading it, I need help, I need prayer. When camp started last summer I heard counselors talk about a camp high. Like being on fire right after camp. I didn't really understand what they meant when they said it. I felt it though! When camp was over and it was time to return to the world, I was on fire. I was so ready to just work for Christ. To do whatever he had called me to do. I knew that I was supposed to come back to school and work on this campus for His Kingdom. So I came back, and I was excited. I wanted to be here. I don't want to be here anymore. I am tired. I am weary. 

I want to be doing things. I want to be teaching people and building relationships with students. I want to be active in my life and finally get on with my career. My faith is struggling. Not me doubting God, I am just struggling to see him right now. I'm struggling to see how going to class and working and doing homework and then repeating everything the next day is doing anything for the Kingdom. I feel like I am not being used. 

This uselessness is pervading my life. It has hurt my prayer life; it has hurt my time alone with God. I have a hard time finding the time to open my Bible or sit down and pray. I don't know what to do. I have to go to class, I have to go to work, I have to do my homework, I have to go to meetings, I have to teacher aid, I have to DO! I have to do so much but am not feeling joy from almost any of it. When did learning and working start becoming life draining? Why has this semester been harder for me than any before it? I am busy, but it’s more than that. It’s like I have forgotten where to go when I am tired. I rely on myself. I wake up tired in the morning and go to bed tired at night. I feel like my homework is slipping and I care less about school. I don't feel like I am being renewed, I don't feel like I am being given new strength. 

Through all of this I know that God is good. I know that he is working even when I don't feel it or see it. I know that He has called me to this campus, to this mission’s field. I know that He has called me to be a teacher. I just don't like the path right not. I know that this is the path that I am suppose to be on though. I know that this is where I am suppose to be. I need to be obedient in this, even when it is hard.  I will leave you all with a couple verses that are encouraging to me even now. If the verses are showing up as black bars on the bottom of the page, I don't know why. If you highlight them you can see them you can see them though! 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:7